Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Note To City Council: You Gotta Consider The Zuma Dogg "Homeless" Factor.


















I know how frustrating it must be for City Council to have to take Zuma Dogg, throughout the Council meeting - day after day....after day...after day...(infinity). I don't know how all of this happened, either. I was as oblivious to all of this City Hall stuff as Mr. Magoo; had never been Downtown, except straight to Staples Center, one time off the 10 freeway. And the Convention Center, once. Besides that, Zuma Dogg never liked to be East of Main Street in Santa Monica (from Ventura County line).

But ZD, for whatever reason, somehow ended up turning into Villaraigosa and City Council's karma payback for what they have been pulling. ZD arrived six months into Villar's term, and a couple months into Garcetti's run as Council President.

And I busted in like the Tazmanian Devil, but things really have come a long way, and ZD has evolved tons...NOT because of shady council, but because the talk show hosts, and members of the public who I knew liked what I was saying, who shaped and aligned my presentation into the DJ/Politician sounding ZD, as opposed to the "Hoooody Hooo" Snoop Dogg style rapper.

The Zuma Dogg character, based on the Andy Kaufman spirit, is still there...BUT YOU GOTTA ADMIT ZD HATERS...IT'S WAAAAAAAY BETTER.

And after two and a half years, on a three times a week basis...YEAH, ZD and Council suffer from mild "Stockholm Syndrome" from each other. There are incidents like yesterday, but for the most part, ZD at City Hall has turned into a pleasant, warm and fuzzy experience, for the most part. I'm not saying Jan Perry, Ed Reyes or Jack Weiss are partaking in the love-fest...but at least there isn't that tense, vibe there used to be. And CMs can laugh a little, even though they shouldn't. Or a CM can run over to ZD to try and spin him (tell him something he may not know that may change my mind...AND THEY SHOULD! Let's face it kiddies...they're tuning in to see what I say the way movie goers tune into Siskle and Ebert to hear their take on movies.

I guess the main thing ZD looks for in a Council meeting is: DON'T TRY TO GET IN THE WAY/TRIP ME UP in the process of the meeting. THEY USED TO DO IT A HELL OF A LOT.
But after a lot of talks with supervisors and ZD being relentless in my follow-ups with things outside the council meeting...and busting their ass a lot...any speed bumps along they way are just un-intentional screw-ups, that they now will fix. (As opposed to purposeful shadiness -- FOR THE MOST PART.)

BUT WHEN THERE ARE DAYS LIKE YESTERDAY...(and I am not talking about anything that happened INSIDE City Hall during the meeting...I'm talking about the blogging and phone messages and conversations AFTER the meeting until 10pm, last night...and early morning wake-up messages by ZD, this morning...

YOU GOTTA REMEMBER:

You're dealing with a guy who has been sleeping in the seat of his car, without enough food or nutrition, on a real short gasoline leash (not a lot of flexibilty to do what I used to); and am sleep deprived and ready to fall over from lack of food most minutes of the day.

I NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHEN I DON'T EAT FOR OVER 24 HOURS BESIDES COFFEE AND A DONUT -- AND WHEN I TAKE MY FIRST BITE OF FOOD. (So that's biochemical, I can tell.) My critics would say, "Take some medication." But I am saying it is NOT about medication, but nutrition, and I notice the difference as soon as I eat.

AND, I am DAMN sleep deprived. I wake up every day between 3am and 5am. Sometimes I take a mini-nap in the park during the day...but I'm getting less than five hours of sleep a day.

AND IT REALLY COMPOUNDS. You don't just wake up refreshed and ready to go. It really compounds, each day. These past five months, I swear, I feel fifty years older. I don't move the way I used to. I used to walk seven miles a day, eight miles a day. I have to change my life around just based on not being able to function. I'M F-ING SLEEP DEPRIVED.

So it's a lot of fun to watch when City Council pulls my short trigger and ZD blows a gasket. It's kinda good cause it fuels me. It's what sends me back for "one more meeting."

But YIKES....there are a few people out there in the City that must be wondering what "Bat Out of Hell" Zuma Dogg flew in on. And remember folks...as funny as all the Tom LaBong Foolery is, and as much as we love it when it all backfires on Council again...it takes a lot out of ZD.

Last week, I thought I was gonna spontaneously combust. And then this week, some douchebag-dummies poured some fuel on it.

REMEMBER...DON'T GET INTO A PISSING CONTEST WITH SOMEONE WITH NOTHING TO LOSE! And, when you do...and the ZD happens to jump off the leash and bite you in the jugular...

HE'S OUT OF HIS MIND OF SLEEP DEPRIVATION AND LACK OF PROPER BIOCHEMICAL NUTRITION.

I'M WALKING AROUND CRAZIER THAN ROGER WATERS! FIVE MONTHS SLEEPING IN A CAR SEAT! Underneath my glasses, my eyes look like Salvador Dali.

I know, I know...get a f*cking job!!! It sounds like it should be so easy. Certainly easier than the way I am living. But after the way a bunch of new people told me how much my drudgery is appreciated and valued by the region (Orange/Ventura/L.A.)...it's only fueled and motivated me more to try and carry on for one more day of ZD at City Hall.

BUT THIS IS JUST SHEER MADNESS AT THIS POINT.

I haven't been able to pull the plug, but the insulation on the wire is all unraveling. But at the end of the day...it's kind of all o.k. -- cause yeah...it's DAMN GOOD to be ZD in the City of Los Angeles. But it wasn't handed to me for no reason. I had to squeeze every bit of juice out of me to pull of the trick. So you don't want to try it. But, I really can't imagine anyone being more blessed by community spirit each day. And that's what give me the false hope and faith to keep me living in denial and overly optimistic that I can blow one more day doing all of this.

help!

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