If you think you can present an argument or do something to keep me from jumping off that building I am looking at, and wondering if it's high enough to get the job done, please contact me immediately. Michael Jackson isn't the only one saying, "This Is It" today. I can't hang in here, anymore. I know I should be doing all those things you are saying I should be doing in your mind, so you can just stay busy and let ZD slip through the cracks. I CAN'T FUNCTION PHYSICALLY OR EMOTIONALLY ANYMORE UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES AND I CAN'T TAKE THE STEPS TO HELP MYSELF!!! I NEED HELP!!! HELP!!! HELP!!!! HELP!!!! CAN YOU TAKE SOME TIME TODAY TO HELP ME STORE SOME THINGS I HAVE AND HELP ME GET SOMEWHERE...ANYWHERE.
IT'S NOT EVEN 9AM, YET AND ALL I CAN DO IS THINK OF THE LEAST PAINFUL WAY TO FINALLY PUT AN END TO THIS. IF YOU PROMISED TO GIVE ME A JOB, OR MADE SOME KIND OF PROMISE TO "GET BACK" WITH SOME HELP...TODAY IS THE FUCKING DAY, MAN.
"I love you, I wish you all the success in the world, keep up your commitment to a better Los Angeles." - L.A. City Attorney Carmen Trutanich (October 20, 2009). HELL NO...I CAN'T AFFORD ANY COMMITMENT TO A BETTER LOS ANGELES. I'M JUST TRYING TO SAVE MY OWN LIFE, TODAY.
"I do want everyone to know I love you!" - City Attorney Carmen Trutanich (October 21, 2009)
Thanks. And, I might not have the chance to tell you (readers), and he says he wants everyone to know, so I better post it now cause I didn't post it yet, and again...he said he DOES want every to know.
But all the love in the world ain't gonna say me today.
AND PLEASE PEOPLE...DO NOT SEND ME STUFF LIKE THIS -- IT ONLY EXACERBATES MY SITUATION:
"I want you to know that I voted for you in the CD2 election. I had no idea who you were until I read an article in the Daily News about the candidates. I attended the Neighborhood Council meeting/candidate forum held in Valley Glen and heard you speak. Later that night I went on Youtube to see what your deal was and laughed so hard. I had everyone in my house and some of my neighbors watch your videos. Everyone thinks you're great.
I guess I wanted to write you this "message" to let you know that I listen to your radio shows. There's nothing else like it. Other radio shows on the AM stations only touch on these topics and play sound bites but offer no further commentary. Instead, they focus on the bigger picture, which is important too but what's here in front of us is just as valid.
I don't quite know how to end this or exactly what I want to say but what I do know is that I enjoy your shows and appreciate and support what you do. Do what makes you happy and make everything else fall into place around it. Hang in there. Best wishes."
That is quite nice, but wishes are all I got and it ain't enough to keep me hanging, today. So it's emails and comments like that which adds to my frustration. I've invested a lot...EVERYTHING I GOT...into creating whatever "momentum" and "recognition" it has translated into -- and it sure seems like a waste to let it waste away. It's KILLIN' me, Larry!
I AM DYING ON THE STREET, DETERIORATING...AND IN TOO MUCH WATER TO GET MYSELF OUT. I AM SINKING. AND I WANT TO DIE TODAY. I MIGHT NOT KILL MYSELF...BUT ALL I AM DOING TODAY IS THINKING WHAT THE BEST WAY TO DO THAT WOULD BE, JUST IN CASE IT'S NEEDED LATER TODAY. It's just an economic/business decision. I can't afford the luxury of living another day. I can't pull myself out of this off the sidewalk. SORRY.
ANYWAY, a Councilmember asked a community member who appreciates Zuma Dogg to contact me to try and reach out with an emergency helping hand. The person still hasn't contacted me and the CM thought I would have been contacted already and the CM contacted the person again to follow up, yesterday...but still waiting.
HEY, NO PROBLEM!...KEEP WAITING...I GOT NOTHING BUT TIME. (I hope at least the rest of today.) SO THANKS FOR NOTHING ON THAT FRONT. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO HANG IN, CAUSE I KEEP THINKING SOME KIND OF HELP IS ON THE WAY. BUT I'M TOO NAIVE AND OVERLY OPTIMISTIC.
SO DON'T SEND ME ANYTHING TELLING ME HOW "WHATEVER" I AM. I ALREADY KNOW THAT. I HAVE ALREADY HAD SO MANY PEOPLE CALL ME THE GREATEST THING EVER AND A FUCKING GENIUS IN A WAY NO ONE HAS EVER SEEN BEFORE THAT IT HAS FINALLY DRIVEN ME BATTY. I KNOW ABOUT ALL OF THAT.
I KNOW THAT PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME THINGS LIKE MY SHOW "SAVED THEIR LIFE" (they were suicidal) AFTER LOSING A LOVED ON IN 9/11 -- AND SUDDENLY, THERE WAS "ZUMA DOGG" ON TV AS THEY SCANNED THE DIAL, AND HE TOLD ME HE LAUGHED FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THEY LOST THAT LOVED ONE ON 9/11...BUT ANYONE WHO CAN HELP ME IS STILL THINKING ABOUT IT AND CHURNING IT AROUND IN THEIR MIND.
Ever pick up the phone and have an Iraqi war veteran from outside the state, somewhere in the south, to tell you, "I'm just recovering from the war in Iraq and wanted to say I just got done with a Zuma Dogg YouTube film festival and I watched EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR VIDEOS with my friend and your (something very worthwhile) and keep it up!
Basically, he told me I represent everything this country is about and what they are fighting for and all of that; and I told him to forget about that, I'm just a pussy...and thanked HIM for his efforts and asked about his recovery...BUT HE WOULDN'T HAVE ANY OF THAT...he just kept putting it back on me, telling me to keep going and all that. (So I can only imagine his condition if he was home "recovering" cause I doubt it was for a sprained ankle.)
So that's the kind of stuff I hear. A teacher from Eagle Rock area telling me she shows he class my YouTube videos to teach her kids about "activism" and city hall and all that stuff. The pastor who stopped me on the street recently, Downtown, which really blew my mind that he, "admire me for my efforts at city hall" (as he pointed to city hall).
The old days of my public access show when parents would come up to me with their kids (families) and say, "You know, Zuma Dogg, you're the ONLY show we can all agree on and it's the only time that the entire family is together in front of the TV together." DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO WALK THE LINE TO BE SOMETHING THAT HARD CORE KIDS ACTUALLY GO NUTS OVER...AND PARENTS NOT ONLY FEEL COMFORTABLE, BUT ENJOY IT JUST AS MUCH, IF NOT MORE THAN THEIR KIDS?
It seems a shame to be having it all slip away.
I KNOW I SHOULD BE DOING THIS, AND SHOULD BE DOING THAT...AND YOU CAN RUN ALL THOSE THINGS THROUGH IN YOUR MIND SO YOU CAN FEEL BETTER ABOUT IT. I CAN'T MOVE OR FUNCTION, ANYMORE. I'VE TAKEN ON TOO MUCH WATER. EVERYONE KNOWS I CAN PUSH. EVERYONE KNOWS I HAVE PUSHED HARDER THAN ANYONE, IN A GOOD WAY, OR NOT...BUT I HAVE PUSHED.
I'M OUT OF STEAM. COMPLETELY OUT. IF YOU OFFERED ME A JOB NOW, I COULDN'T EVEN DO IT. WE'RE TALKING A DIFFERENT KIND OF HELP NOW. THE KIND OF HELP TO TRY AND SIMPLY KEEP ME HANGIN' IN THERE FOR ONE MORE DAY, BUT I'M NOT SURE IT'S WORTH IT.
4PM UPDATE: Good intentions today turn out to be more empty full of shitism. Someone told me they could help me get into a single room if I went to St. Joseph's in Venice and signed up for a HUD voucher. The person called me last week, and made it sound like they were ready to hand me the keys, practically. The developer of the unit even called me to tell me where to go to get a HUD voucher (St. Joseph's). I spoke with them today, and of course, as we already know, there aren't any HUD vouchers until 2010. But they invited me to come over today and fill out forms for a possible voucher in 2010.
SO TO THE DEVELOPER AND THE PERSON WHO TOLD ME THAT WAS COMING DOWN THE PIKE (AND I'VE BEEN HEARING ABOUT IT FOR OVER A YEAR, ALREADY)...I'LL JUST HANG IN THERE UNTIL NEXT YEAR, EVEN THOUGH I AM READY TO WALK IN FRONT OF A MOVING BUS, TODAY.
SLEEP DEPRIVATION: IT'S A BITCH!
WHO IS TRYING TO RE-SET MY PASSWORD?: AND I WONDER WHO THE PERSON IS WHO IS TRYING TO RE-SET MY GOOGLE ACCOUNT PASSWORD. I SURE KNOW THAT IT WASN'T ME, BUT GOOGLE SENT ME AN EMAIL SAYING THAT SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO RE-SET IT AROUND 1:30PM TODAY. SORRY IT DIDN'T WORK, THIS TIME. BUT IF THERE IS A DOCUMENT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE, JUST SEND AN EMAIL TO ZUMADOGG@GMAIL.COM, LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU WANTED TO SEE, AND I'LL FORWARD IT TO YOU.