Saturday, October 3, 2009

Why Would Adam Sandler and The Arquettes Let Zuma Dogg Deteriorate On Streets of L.A. (If I Was Their FAVORITE THING EVER?)

Why would Adam Sandler, David Arquette and Courteney Cox-Arquette (The Arquettes) and even decent people like Emilio Estevez and SO many other Hollywood "A" listers including Grammy/Emmy and Academy Award winners and their agents and producers think it's o.k. to let Zuma Dogg die homeless and alone on the (getting darker earlier and colder earlier) streets of Los Angeles, when so many of them have told me that Zuma Dogg is their favorite thing ever.

Don't worry, I'm perfectly comfortable having anyone go to these people and say, "Zuma Dogg said that YOU said he was your favorite thing ever." YES, you can put it in those strong of terms.

You should have heard the things their "people" told me they said about me in order to try and "convince" the "GREAT" Zuma Dogg to show up at their parties or say hello to their friend on a cell phone, or shoot a greeting on their camcorder...thinking I was such a "larger than life" and "un-approachable" ar'teest (artist) that I wouldn't want to be bothered with their commercial crowd.

Oh no...Zuma Dogg was chompin' at the bit to be mixin' it up with all of y'all as I passed my many of you in Malibu at the grocery stores and video stores and shopping plazas and coffees shops. Before many of you bowed down to Big ZD to pay your respects and stare at me in amazement trying to figure out how and the hell a regular guy like me could be the magic behind the mask; I walked amongst you WONDERING if you had ever stumbled upon my show.

A year before Sandler pulled up to Zuma Dogg in his SUV to wave me over to shake my hand and let me know how fantastic he thought I was, I walked passed Sandler at Coogie's Malibu (Colony Shopping Plaza) one Sunday, JUST HOPING he would say, "Hey, Zuma Dogg...I LOVE your show."

Amazingly, and I have referred to quantum physics and Wayne Dyer stuff and what it takes (directing intense energy in a very narrow focus), about a year later, Sandler was pulling up to ZD in his SUV and I'm sure I saw the biggest smile out of Sandler that anyone has ever seen.

He told me to call his office, so I thought about it, and a few weeks later, I mean the next day (Monday, cause it was Sunday), I called his office. I was kind of apologetic for calling in the first place, and said, "Oh, my name is Zuma Dogg and I saw Adam over the weekend and he told me to call...hope it's not a bad time..."

She cut me off so fast and said, "No, no, no...I don't know WHO you are, but I have NEVER heard Adam (Sandler) talk about anyone like that before. No problem at all."

Meanwhile, when I spoke to the guy in the editing room, he told me he heard so much noise through the walls, he ran into the other room to see what it was, and it was Sandler on the floor...HOWLING at Zuma Dogg videos.

He wore one of the original Zuma Dogg T shirts in a Christmas video message to the troops in Iraq, one year.

SO WHY WOULD HE WANT TO LET ZD DIE ON THE STREET WHEN IT COULD SO EASILY BE PREVENTED. DAMN, if it were the 70's and Gene Simmons or Fonzie were dying on the street and you were an international production conglomerate, you would think you would want to prevent them from demise, just so you could keep you "happy machine" alive.

All his people told me was he's such a nice guy and means what he says and kept telling me things were in the pike.

A year after nothing was happening, but was still in contact with Sandler and his staff, I called over to his office to see if I could get some basic "stand-in" work, which is not glamorous and no big deal, but the $100 bucks a day would have saved me.

They said, "Are you crazy? We are going to use you for some main parts and can't pigeon hole you as a stand-in." (Which you Hollywood insiders know is true and a good sign. But DAMN, I knew they were full of "s" on the Hollywood star thing, and the stand-in work would have been a miracle for me, and still would be.)

I wonder if he had a hidden camera on me tonight and saw the REAL ZD reality show and how things are going and how I am going to make it through tonight, let alone tomorrow if he would even slow his hi-speed golf cart down to toss me a cracker from craft service? Probably not.

But he would probably feel bad for a few minutes, or maybe even a good part of the day if he heard anything happened to me of a conclusive nature. Because there's always that thought in the back of your mind that there is always time and eventually something will happen and there's always time.

One day, the lady at the Malibu cable company called and said Courteney Cox-Arquette was trying to get my phone number and although the cable company doesn't usually release phone numbers (as they shouldn't) she gave C.C. my number. (Of course I said to the cable lady, "Oh, how DARE you...I said don't give it to anyone. Sigh...oh well.")

So yes, about a day later there was a voice mail message from some chick. She said, "Hi, Zuma Dogg. You don't know me, but this is Courteney Cox...ah, Arquette (guess she was still getting used to the last name) and David (her husband David Arquette) is a big, big fan of yours, as am I (Courteney). "

She told me I was David's "favorite thing ever," and all their friends watch my videos at their parties and David is addicted to talking in "Zuma Dogg" voice and his assistant told me it was really annoyingly obsessive as it became with so many Malibu ZD show watchers. (The show was on 7 nights a week at 10pm for years.)

So C.C. was having a big Birthday party for David, and it was not some HUGE thing, but the smaller, intimate gathering of close friends and family. (Not some bash at a bar, but a nice party at their Malibu home, you heard so much about. Including ZD, who has driven past many a party at the place wondering what it would be like in there.)

I was in Cleveland at the time, enjoying the summer there and wasn't planning on coming back, right away. She kinda begged me to come, not thinking I would want to even attend or be bothered. NO, it was hilarious...because she was like, "I don't know if you would want to do it...and you don't have to perform, but can just come as yourself if you don't want to have to be "on"...and even added, "and if you can't make it on that day (in early September), THEY WOULD MOVE THE DATE OF THE PARTY. IT WAS MY ATTENDANCE THAT WAS MANDATORY, OBVIOUSLY, BECAUSE SHE SAID THEY WOULD MOVE THE DATE IF I COULDN'T MAKE IT IN TIME.

My making it in time DID require them to get me a ticket to fly back out to L.A., even though I wasn't ready to yet.

And it was a magical evening for me, that's for sure. It was a beautiful event at their Malibu ocean front pad. And Jennifer Aniston was supposed to make it (with Brad at the time) and they couldn't make it, but Courteney told me Jennifer is a big fan and says, "Zuma Dogg Y'all!" (I don't know if C.C. said that just to be nice? Why would she?) Matt (Joey) was there and he was REALLY nice and took a lot of time questioning me about my craft. And C.C. was the BEST host and EVERYONE was treating me like a subject on James Lipton "Actors Studio" and they were all recanting bits from my show and imitating me back to me. And Springsteen's engineer Bob Clearmountain was there, who Courteney was still friends with through the Springsteen video, believe it or not. So that was the best part for me. Hearing all the Springsteen stories from the guy who's name I stared at so much on the album covers.

IT WAS A VERY, VERY, VERY SURREAL EXPERIENCE. I think that loser Jamie Kennedy was there, who is friends with the Arquettes. Anyway, it all went kinda bad, when Jamie "No-Talent-Loser" Kennedy came out with his Jamie Kennedy Experiment Show with clips that were FLAT OUT, 100% --- DIRECT RIP OFFS from my Zuma Dogg Show clips that aired on L.A. cable.

THEN, I read in a magazine, "Oh yes, Jamie is so talented," says pal David Arquette. Then it all came back to me. (THE PARTY!)

AND, I was watching TBS one day, and saw some lame show with some British chick doing my EXACT same F*CKING segments and I said, "THERE IS NO WAY THEY COULD HAVE DONE THIS WITHOUT SEEING MY SHOW, FIRST."

Turns out the show was produced by David and Courteney's Production Team. All the while they said they were too busy with their own production to start a project with me. LOL!

I hope they dispute this and contact me for libel, so I will be forced to prove it in court then they'll have to pay up, but the show was a flop and probably lost money. BUT, it took away my from my uniqueness, and now if a network sees it they can say, "Oh, we already saw this." But it was done by some un-funny loser, in a canned/set-up, staged and scripted environment. So wonder why it didn't work.


People just hate to take chances. But the reason why these people feel it's o.k. to simply let me die on the streets, in pain and homeless -- after they beg me to say hello and tell me I am their favorite thing ever is because they just think they are better than me, because they have agents and producers and millions of dollars and I'm just some guy who happens to be really good...the most amazing thing they've ever seen, actually.

And all the Malibu locals took their turn paying props to ZD, once they saw him talking to others and saw he wasn't that big, bad guy he was portraying on his show. (Just like their might be a nervous energy if you walked up to Robert Dinero when he was looking through produce at the grocery store, you might be scared to bother him. Well that's how these celebrities approached ZD, as if I wasn't trying to "will" them to come over to me like a Jedi mind trick.) But hesitantly approach they all did. Some of them leaving anonymous voice mail messages, then telling me in person, "That was me." (Hi Dean De Leo of Stone Temple Pilots! Who's the nicest, most down to earth and most talented guy of all the Malibu local superstars!)

SO I WONDER WHY PEOPLE LIKE SANDLER AND THE ARQUETTES WOULD EVEN WANT ZD TO BE DETERIORATING ON THE STREET. DAMN, you would think they would want to keep me alive just so I could crank out more stuff they were all doubled over in pain in laughter over. I'm doubled over in pain, in pain.

But it's no use...they just think they are too good for me because they're in their inside, secret multi-millionaires club. BUT THESE ARE NOT THE PEOPLE I LOOK UP TO AND ADMIRE AT ALL EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT I SUFFERED FROM THE ILLUSION THEY WOULD HELP ME IN THE WAY YOU ARE ALWAYS HEARING ABOUT.


I've said the guy from Carsey-Warner Productions (long time family connections with the most successful sitcom producers ever) LITERALLY walked away mad at me and pulled his offer to help me because he asked me who worked with me on my show. And I said, "Are you crazy? I just take my camera around and improvise." So he said, "It would take 13 writers to produce a weekly show like that." So he says, "Do you wear an ear piece and have people help you with things to say from in the truck?" Again, "Are you crazy, I just improv it. I don't plan out bits."

So he said, "O.K., if you don't want to have a serious conversation with me, forget it."

Anyway...Sandler and Arquettes are the ones who really need to be ashamed of themselves and I sure typed their names enough that they might end up seeing this.

Sandler, a no-brainer. I could live off the waste off his 3rd Assistant and I've done union stand in work with Sean Penn, and I didn't get fired and that guys as unpleasant to work with as you would imagine. The guy could make my whole life with what gets thrown in the trash after lunch.

David Arquette...he's about as much fun to talk to as Bernard Parks on anything else except the budget (not fun) and is about as exciting as Arnold Sachs when he loses his train of thought.

But COURTENEY...HOW COULD YOU. I gotta say, I really fell in LOVE with Courteney as a person. She was so warm and nice and down home to ZD at her family gathering. I felt SO at home in that Malibu "A" list environment and NEVER felt more comfortable. It was better than your long time high school friends.

BUT, of course that little issue of the segments popping up on TBS while letting ZD hang out to dry.

IT'S ALL CAUSE THEY THINK THEY ARE BETTER THAN ME. But I wasn't the one who called them saying THEY were my favorite thing ever. And to be honest, I had to cram in watching as much "Friends" as possible, cause I sure as hell never watched it before hand. (Although I admit, it's a good show, once you get used to it.)

SUMMARY: I hope when I drop dead on the streets of L.A., people like Sandler, Arquette and Trutanich don't even think twice, or notice. Would hate to inconvenience them posthumously. They sure couldn't be bothered pre-humously.

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